Where is the time going??

I can't believe as I sit here that I am just a couple of days away from being 29 weeks pregnant! It is still surreal, even at this point! I am feeling pretty great, aside from some fatigue which is caused mainly by the need to get up to pee every 2 hours during the night. My feet are definitely larger than they used to be and by days end, they are swollen, although nothing too terribly shocking. I have no back pain or sciatic pain and none of the pelvic pain a lot of pregnant women complain about but I do still have about 9 or so weeks to go (my Doc said she will very likely induce me at 38 weeks because of the gestational diabetes) so I won't gloat about it just yet. Speaking of the gestational diabetes, I am still controlling it with diet so no insulin injections yet, thank goodness. The diabetes nurse did say that very, very few women get all the way through without having to go on insulin but most are on it by this point and I have managed to avoid it, so I will just keep my fingers crossed.
From here on in, my doctors appointments will be every 2 weeks. Considering I also have to meet with the diabetes nurse every 2 weeks, that makes for a lot of appointments, which is frustrating, especially when I work full time and getting around is starting to get a bit more difficult.
As far as work goes, I don't have a date in mind of when I will stop working and I hope to continue for as long as I can. Realistically, I think by the beginning of February, I will be ready to consider reducing my hours, if not going on leave all together. I have decided I am taking my full year of maternity leave also. I figure I have worked full time since I was 19 or 20 and I have never taken any kind of unemployment benefits (or any government benefits for that matter) in my life, so I am going to take this opportunity to stay home and not miss any of the little guy's developments for the first year. The cut in pay will be huge (about 45% of my usual income - and that is with a 20% employer top up!) but we can manage and I just don't think I will be able to separate myself from him before the year is up.
I am starting to think about child birth and about being a mom for the first time and I must admit that I am terrified! I am sure all first time mom's go through this but I don't like it one bit. I am so terrified of what will happen during the birth and then the thought of being responsible for another life all of a sudden. I also find it scary to think that on that day when we leave the house and drive away on our way to the hospital, that it will be for the very last time as a family of 2. We have only had each other for the past 7.5 years of marriage and although I know the change will different yet for the better, I still worry about how we will adjust, how our relationship will change and how we will make out as a family of 3. We have an amazing marriage and relationship and I guess at this point I couldn't imagine it being any better, so if the only way to go is down, then what will happen. Logically, I know our marriage will actually get better and be filled with so many more happy times, but when something is so good already, it's only human nature to not be able to fathom it improving even more.
Well, that's my update folks. I promise from here on in to update more frequently! Take care everyone and let's all take a moment to say a prayer for those poor children and their families in Connecticut. 

It's a BOY!!

Just a quick update since my last post. I am so sorry I haven't been updating as often as I should but I have been so preoccupied with the happiness of pregnancy that my blog has been put on the back burner.
I had my Integrated Prenatal Screening at around 13 weeks to check for any abnormalities like spina bifida and trisomy issues. I received word a few weeks later that all looked normal. They did not feel there is any risk of spina bifida and my risk for a trisomy was one in over 1,100 which is small enough for me to relax. I had my 20 week ultrasound scan to check for other anatomical abnormalities and everything was normal once again. I was able to take home a bunch of pictures of the little guy (yes, I also found out at this scan that I am having a boy!) and it was so incredible to see the 3D pics and see his little face in there!
Unfortunately, I did have a higher than normal blood pressure reading during this time and was put on some meds but because they made my BP too low, the dose has been lowered. I purchased a digital monitor to keep up on it and it is still on the low side most times which almost confirms my opinion that I have "White Coat Syndrome". Also, I took my BP while in the car before my appointment and got 109/65 then not 15 minutes later in the doctors office got a reading of 130/80 on both his cuff and my monitor so I am quite certain that this is the case. What was confirmed though, was that I did fail my glucose tolerance test so I have been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, although all of my blood readings have been in the normal range so far. I am required to test my blood 7 times a day and report all of my numbers to the nurse twice a week. It doesn't appear from my numbers that I am diabetic, however she did say that as the placenta and baby grow, my body may not make more insulin to compensate and some women do have to go on insulin injections. Hopefully this isn't the case for me and so far, so good. The good thing about this diagnosis is that I will get to see my baby again because they will be doing more ultrasounds to keep track of baby's size (because higher blood sugar levels can cause baby to be bigger and birth may have to be induced at an earlier time).
Aside from all of that, I am feeling great! A little more tired than usual but that is really the only side effect so far that is bothersome (and not really that bothersome at all). The best thing is that I have begun to feel him kick...not the flutters of the last several weeks, but full on kicks!! It is so cool. I can actually see my stomach move when he does this! He loves to tease his Daddy though, as every time I tell him to place his hand on my belly, the little stinker stops all together, only to commence kicking again the very moment he takes his hand away. My belly, by the way, is apparently right on track, even a tad smaller than average (of course I feel huge at this point and keep wondering how I can possible get any bigger!).
That is my update so far folks! I am still paranoid every single day and I suspect that won't go away. I am so happy though and at times I still can't believe I am almost 6 months pregnant. It feels like just yesterday I was surrounded my medications, supplements, ovulation tests and monthly disappointment. I thank God for blessing me with this amazing miracle and I honestly cannot wait to meet him!
Here is a pic of my miracle at just under 20 weeks.

God is good.

Well, at the beginning of June, I took one last kick at the cat. The last option before moving on to IVF in September. Clomid. I didn't really think it would make any difference, because ovulating is not my problem but I figured, what have I got to lose. I suffered through the first week. Headaches, night sweats, moodiness and just a general feeling like I was headed to the funny farm. I took 50mg (the lowest dose) from cycle days 4 to 8. I took a pregnancy test like I usually do each month so I know to stop taking the progesterone and to my surprise, it was positive!!!! YAY!!! I was pregnant!!! Again. Then the fear and doubt took over. However, I managed to put the other failed pregnancies out of my mind and just tried to stay positive. A few days before my period was due, I started spotting. I was crushed. So crushed, in fact, that I had to take the day off from work. I was so upset and disappointed that I couldn't even manage to leave the house. By the afternoon though, the spotting stopped and didn't come back! I continued to spend an obscene amount of money on pregnancy tests and took one every day to make sure the lines were getting darker and not lighter. They got darker!! Next thing I had to face was my ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days. As if I wasn't nervous enough, 2 days before my appointment, I woke up to more spotting. It only lasted that day and went away. I went to the ultrasound almost expecting them to tell me there was no heartbeat, but instead was floored when the tech showed me a nice, strong, beating heart!!!!! She also saw a small "bleed" that she said caused the spotting and although most of them heal themselves, it was something to watch. That night I gave in to the evils of Google and found that there was a chance this bleed would cause me to miscarry. Once again, I was terrified. I was especially terrified when 6 days later, the spotting returned for about an hour. Once again though, it went away. My first prenatal appointment went well and the doctor wasn't concerned with the bleed. He said everything looked good and reminded me that at this point "It was out of our hands." Turns out that God's hands were very gracious and fast forward to today's date, I am almost 13 weeks and had the most amazing experience today. I got to see my baby for the second time. Wiggling and twisting and turning with a healthy heartbeat. It even looks like a baby now!! Today was one of the best days of my life. I am still nervous and cautious and afraid to let myself get too excited. I suspect because of my history, those feelings will continue until this beautiful baby is safe in my arms. I will keep you all updated. I hope you'll come along for the ride. A ride down a road that I started to think I would never get to see. Dreams do come true.
God is good.

Round Eight

Ding Ding!!!
Here we go! It's round 8...the eighth month of trying to get pregnant since my last miscarriage in September. My Clearblue Fertility Monitor says today is cycle day 11 and I got my first "high" reading this morning. Usually I get 2 high days followed by 2 "peak" days. This means that anytime now, I can start cornering him in the hallway and waking him up early in the morning to make the poor bastard perform on demand while he is still half asleep. I used to get excited around this time in my cycle. Excited that another month of hope was here and excited about the possibility of seeing that elusive positive in just a mere 14 days. Things are different now. For the last few cycles, I have had a really hard time seeing that negative pregnancy test. Don't get me wrong, I never did jump for joy at the site of a negative test and it has always made me extremely sad, however, the past few months have been unusually hard to deal with. It was been so hard, in fact, that this month I feel like instead of being excited at the prospect of what the next 2 weeks may bring, I find myself completely and utterly terrified at how I will deal with another let down. I feel like I started out on this journey wearing a thick suit of protective armour and as each month goes by, another layer gets stripped off. I am almost naked...and the jabs are beginning to really injure me. How many more jabs can I take? What month will I receive the final jab, the one that takes me down for good? It's anyone's guess, really. Even I can't even wager a guess on the round that ends this fight. What terrifies me,  is that I feel it's close. I'm getting weak and losing strength quickly...and my old wounds aren't healing anymore. For now though, I am still in the game. I am staggering towards my opponent with little energy, peering through bruised and swollen eyes that are half shut, but I am still standing...and however bleak the chances may seem of coming out of this a winner, there is still a chance...so give me some water, wipe my wounds, put on my gloves and lemme at 'em!!

Crushed again.

Well, I tested this morning and looks like yet another month of disappointment. Granted, this was to be my "month off", but lets face it, it's pretty hard to give up trying all together. I know my body well and even though I didn't use ovulation predictors or a thermometer, I know when things are happening and we did the best we could during that period of time. It seems like each and every time I get a negative pregnancy test, it sucks a little bit out of me. The only thing that keeps me going every month is hope. Hope that one month will be my lucky month. Then, when I discover it is just another unlucky month, I break down, cry, scream, do whatever it is I need to do to stay sane and then move on to the next month. Why? Hope. It's all about hope. A new month brings another possibility. Until I am completely void of hope, I will keep moving on to the next month. Thing is though, I think the "hope" tank may be headed towards empty. The little gas tank light hasn't turned on yet, but I don't think I have much more than about a quarter of a tank. At what point do you give up? At what point do you decide that enough is enough? That years of pain, hurt and disappointment are at their max and you need to come to terms with the fact that you will never birth children of your own and find out what other joys you will find in life; what reason for living if not to bring up a child?
Honestly, I have to say that this has been one of the more painful weeks I have endured. I find myself wondering if I should go to my doctors appointment next month or just cancel. Do I give up or do I move on to the next step? One of the things that scares me silly is the chance of moving on to IVF and it failing. I can barely keep it together on the days I find out I am not pregnant again. I can't imagine dealing with finding this out after injections, plane rides and upwards of $15,000. How would I even cope with that? To put the icing on the cake, yesterday I had to sit across from a mother who just gave birth to a stillborn baby the day before. A perfect, full term baby. Instead of picking out cute newborn items, she was picking out a cremation urn. I barely made it through. She broke down so many times. As she signed papers authorizing her first child to be cremated, her hands covered in bruises and bandages from being poked and prodded with needles and IV's just 24 hours before, I thought of my grocery list and the things I needed to pick up before Easter. I thought of my spring cleaning list. Basically, I thought of anything I could think of to take me away from where I was so I didn't break down right with her. The door barely closed behind them when I hurried to the bathroom, shut the door and let loose. I cried for a solid 15 minutes. I felt horrible for her, no question, however, I found that wasn't really the reason I was so upset. I was crying out of anger, frustration, confusion and hopelessness. I was pissed. WHY?  That's the answer. Why. Why did this couple carry a baby for 41 weeks only to deliver a lifeless body? Every ultrasound, every check-up, every reassurance that this little life was doing fine, only to have the plug of hopes and dreams pulled at the very last second? Why would God do this??? Why would God allow me to become pregnant THREE times and then decide I suddenly shouldn't be...and apparently now decide after 3 times that he just isn't going to let me get pregnant anymore period??? Why me...and why her?? Why do all of the young girls walking around in Walmart with their 3 children and baby bump spending their monthly welfare cheques get to have children so easily? What the HELL did we do wrong to deserve this shit? Everything is backward, isn't it? Maybe she shouldn't have been such a hardworking, upstanding member of society who ate right, didn't smoke or drink and made sure she had prenatal care from just as soon as she found out she was expecting? What good did that do? The junkie across the street living off the system birthed 4 live babies without any issues, didn't she?
So I had my 15 minute crying session and returned to my desk, looking like I had just smoked the world's largest doobie...and I was ok. That was until this morning, when after I received my negative test and came in to work, one of the family members walked in and handed me a large stuffed animal they wanted to go with the baby for cremation. Then it all started again.
I have so many emotions running through my head at this time and I can't make sense of any of it. One second I feel like giving up all together and the next I feel like I want to try everything I can. My brain is like a roulette wheel right now. The question is, where will the ball land? Right now, I really can't tell. What I do know, is that I can't go on like this. It's not fair to me and it certainly isn't fair to my poor husband, who has been the most amazing, patient, tolerant person. I have turned into Cybil these past few months and he just sits back and lets me be crazy and sometimes even awful to him....because he is within the closest reach of my outbursts and frustration....and sometimes we are the worst to those that are closest to us. He didn't say a word this morning as I came storming into the kitchen and threw all of my supplements and vitamins into a garbage can. He said nothing as I called and cancelled today's fertility acupuncture appointment, lying to Dr. Wei that I was too busy to make it and was going out of town and didn't know for how long. He said nothing as got myself a glass of juice, slamming the glass down on the counter and hitting the refrigerator door closed with so much force that it almost broke. He knew what was up and he let me vent. He is a man of few words when it comes to trying to understand my crazy emotions and knowing what to say to make me feel better. We got in the car and headed for work and at about 5 minutes into the ride, he took my hand, kissed it and put it on his lap in his and we continued on to work, not speaking a word to each other the entire way. I realized that was really all that I really needed.
Well that's all for today folks. Unfortunately duty calls...and I have to deal with a little baby that needs her stuffed animal. Bless her soul. "Too beautiful for earth".

Another Dream

I had THE dream last night. The one where I take a pregnancy test and it's positive. Right now you're probably thinking "So? It's just a dream. After all, you're so consumed with trying to get pregnant, why wouldn't you dream about it? It is on your mind 24/7." Well, let me tell you...I am a superstitious person and yes, I am one of those crazy types that believes dreams can have meaning. I'll take you back to summer of 2010, when I had the same dream and then a couple of months later found out I was pregnant. Then again to May of 2011, when I had the dream again, but in my dream the lines on the test were very faint. I got pregnant a couple of months later in July, but unfortunately the pregnancy wasn't a success and the first hint it wasn't going to be was the fact that the lines on the pregnancy tests weren't getting any darker. Then again in August, I had the same "faint line" dream and yet again, the same thing happened when I discovered I was pregnant in September. Last night was different. I had a dream I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, however the lines were dark. I took another and another and another. Every test was positive and had dark lines. I just knew this pregnancy would be different and things would be fine. So, even if you are the scientific type who doesn't believe that a dream has even an ounce of meaning, cross your fingers for me. Cross your fingers that this great dream comes true just like the sad dreams before it. I've got everything crossed (OK...legs don't count!). Here's hoping.

Mental Health Break

So last I wrote, I was in the midst of a 2WW. Unfortunately, the month ended with a big fat negative and it took more of a toll on me than it usually does. The progesterone I have to take every month for the second half of my cycle was particularly horrible on the hormones last cycle and caused everything from extreme moodiness to breasts so sore I had to cover them with my hands to stand in the shower facing the stream of water. All of these symptoms honestly had me believing that I was pregnant and the month was a success. When I found out the month had been another bust, I took it much harder than I usually do. I cried. I screamed. I cursed teenage un-wed mothers when I saw them pushing their strollers down the sidewalk with one hand while they puffed on a cigarette with the other. I had it out with God and asked him what I could have possibly done to deserve this pain I was going through. I did everything. When the progesterone finally made it's way out of my system and I woke up a little less like "Regan MacNeil", I decided that what I needed was a break. Even just one month free of temperature taking, the fertility monitor, the ovulation predictor strips, having sex on demand when a pee strip tells me to....all of those things. I realized this baby thing has completely consumed my life. I actually had no life anymore. Each day was just another block on my desk pad, that informed me that I was either waiting to ovulate, ovulating or waiting to take a pregnancy test. I needed a break from the complete madness that had become my life. This month, I am taking a "Trying to Conceive Vacation"; that is, a vacation FROM trying to conceive and not a vacation for the purpose of trying to conceive. I don't know what stage my reproductive parts are in on this day of this cycle and frankly, I don't give a damn.....and guess what? If my husband and I do have a romantic hour this month (ok, ok....15 minutes...), it will be because we actually WANT to have sex....imagine that!!!!!
It will be back to the grind (ha...what a choice in words) next month, but until then, it feels really good to be only slightly crazy and back to my old self, in a time where I understood there was more to life than just having a baby.

Two Weeks of Hell

Good day everyone.  Today I find myself in the midst of yet another 2WW. For those of you following me that are not TTC (trying to conceive), the 2WW is simply the Two Week Wait. This is the two week period of time between ovulation and the time your period arrives (or doesn’t arrive, with any luck). It’s an awful wait and probably the time of each month when time goes by the slowest. You wonder if this month it finally happened. You analyze every teeny tiny symptom. Is that a cramp? Could it be implantation cramping? Was that a tiny spot of blood when I wiped? Could that be implantation bleeding? My boobs are so sore. Could I be pregnant? The shitty thing is that very early pregnancy symptoms are exactly like the symptoms of PMS. So, you can see how month after month of praying, hoping and symptom spotting can turn you into a crazy person. Add in the prescription progesterone I have to take every month during the 2WW and I am a bomb ready to explode. Go ahead...look at me funny. Cut me off on the road. Chew with your mouth open......go ahead. I dare you. That is me in a nutshell. A hormonal mess. A complete lunatic. It’s a wonder I haven’t hurt anyone yet. Oh well. This is just the way it is and I have to cope with it. The hope that one of these 2WW’s will end with a nice positive pregnancy test is enough to keep me going. Until then, a word of advice. If you see me on the road, just do yourself a favour and think of me as a school bus...keep back 100 feet. Believe me, it’s for your own good.

Time to tint my hair blue...

You all know the shade I am talking about. The 75 plus ladies walking around with their tight perms and their hair coloured that shade of silvery grey with an ever so slight hint of blue to it? I decided I may as well go for it, since when I looked at my kitchen counter this morning, I decided if I didn’t know it was mine I would think I was standing in a house belonging to an 82 year old...an 82 year old in poor health, I might add. There on my counter, was a jumbled mass of supplements; a collection of bottles so plenty, it would make a cancer patient shake their head. I’ve got my folic acid (birth defects), B6 (got to help out that luteal phase), B12 (just goes with the B6, doesn’t it?), royal jelly (just because that damn queen bee is so fertile...bitch..), Norwegian fish oil and wheat germ oil (because the internet tells me so and I am so desperate these days that I will take advice from random strangers), baby aspirin (because my doctor said it couldn’t hurt) and a good old regular pre-natal multi vitamin (just in case I missed something). I also have some co-enzyme Q10 and resveratrol waiting at the post office for me to pick up (have to keep those eggs young, you know).If you think that is bad, it gets worse. Off in the distance is the Mucinex I take during ovulation (making body fluids more hospitable for my up coming guests), the Benadryl I take after ovulation (maybe uterine histamines are killing my guests once they arrive??), bromelain enzyme (supposed to make the guests want to stay) and of course, the "Mac Daddy" of all my supplements, the bottle given to me by my Chinese acupuncturist who thinks my problem has it’s roots in my kidneys. A bottle that has a label that I can’t even read. It is entirely in Chinese, except for a couple of sentences in English which explain that this kidney issue is confirmed by a “coolness in the loins”. Now, Dr. Wei certainly didn’t feel my loins, nor would I like him to, so I am just going to trust him on this one and take my pills. After all, they’re only “Jin Gui Shen Qi Wan” pills...and I only have to take 24 of them a day. No biggie...and besides, if I can finally get hot loins as a side effect, it's all worth it, no?
Wow. The things we will do to get pregnant. Half of it is probably mind over matter. I think I can see steam rising from my loins right now!!
Have a wonderful weekend everyone. I will be back next week, at which time, I will be in my 2WW. I will not be posting this weekend because I will be too busy with the things you do in the days preceding a 2WW. Wish me luck!

My entire life has become an abbreviation.

Happy Valentines Day - or should I say “HVD”.

“CD” 8. That is what I am on today. I know this because not only do I keep track, but the “CBFM” tells me so. This is what my life has been reduced to. It’s not “Wednesday” or “Friday” or “Christmas Eve” or “Easter”. For me, it’s “CD” 1 (the worst of all because that means “AF” got me) or “CD” 14 (am I “O” yet? Better get out the “OPK’s”) or it’s the “2WW” which means my days then turn to “2dpo” or “4dpo” or better yet, “10dpo” when I can start testing with “HPT’s”. Will it finally be a “BFP”? Or will it be another dreaded “BFN”? Should I use a “FRER”? Will I be blessed with “baby dust” and if I was, will it finally be “sticky”? Lord know’s we “BD” enough or did we??? I mean, we followed the “SMEP” this month...I checked my “CP” and found “CM” but was it the highly coveted “EWCM”?? Do I need to see an OBGYN?? OMG....maybe an “OBGYN” isn’t enough! Maybe now I need an “RE”?? Should I discuss it with the girls on “BNB” or “BTZ”???
UGH.
If you have no clue what I am talking about, then you need to count your lucky stars you’re not at this stage just yet. If you do understand, I’m so sorry. The crazy train leaves at six....wanna sit together??

Past, Present and Future

So, as promised in my very first post, this entry will give you a quick update about where I have been, where I am now and where I hope to end up. Let me start by telling you that I am a Sagittarius. That will mean nothing to you, unless you, yourself are also of that sign. We are free spirits. We do not tend to like being confined or tied down. We love to travel and explore and we also tend to go from one hobby to the next very quickly, not because we cannot master what we have tried, au contraire, we can master anything we put our minds to. We go from one thing to the next so often because we are bored and constantly seeking that next rush of adrenalin us Sag's so desperately need. The reason I explain this to you is so you can grasp why I didn't begin thinking about having children until I was in my mid 30's and also so you can understand how extremely frustrating this whole "getting knocked up" thing is for me. To be doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result (that is the definition of insanity, right?). To research and take every supplement out there and get every test and gadget and still have zero control over the outcome. This is extremely hard for someone who has being in control running through their veins.

I will begin by saying I didn't get engaged until my 30th birthday and we were married 2 years later. I was never one of those gals that "needed a man". I never intended on settling. If I happened to meet the man of my dreams (and I never thought I would meet any man that measured up) then great. If I spent the rest of my life single because I didn't, then so be it. I always said that I fully deserved to be treated the way my father treated me (which was and is still, like a princess) and would not tolerate any less. So, when the right man did come along and I fell completely and desperately in love, the thought of sharing my life with someone didn't sound half bad. Before we married and even after, I had no intentions of even having a child. After we married we wanted to travel and spend time with each other and we didn't start discussing children until about 2 years later. We decided if we had them, great. If we didn't, no big deal. We weren't one of those couples that marry to have a family. We were a family already and if we were blessed with children, then it was a bonus. I think deep down we both figured that once we decided to start trying to have a child, that boom...it would happen instantly. The thing was, it kind of did. We started trying and 3 months later I discovered I was pregnant. For someone who had a "take it or leave it" attitude towards having children, I honestly couldn't remember being happier. It all seemed surreal though and when I think about it now, I think deep down I had a sense that something wasn't right. I miscarried at 10 weeks along and it was a horrible experience that I would never wish on my worst enemy. It wasn't just the physical pain and loss, it was so much more. It happened at a time when my husband was out of town and couldn't return for a couple of days later. It sparked a shocking realization of who my real friends were. People I thought were my friends completely abandoned me at a time when I didn't need more sadness piled on. I never told anyone this but I was in a really dark place and I am thankful that I came out of it. I honestly had moments where I felt I wanted to die. I realize now that a lot of that was hormones, which made a horrible situation even harder to deal with. I did deal with it though...and after taking a few months off we started trying again and became pregnant 4 months later in July of 2010. That one ended in something they call a chemical pregnancy, which is essentially an early miscarriage before the baby is seen on an ultrasound (in Canada that is anything before about 8 weeks or so). We continued trying right away and when I took a pregnancy test in September 2010 and it was positive, I was once again, ecstatic. I took a test everyday to make sure things were progressing and when I noticed that the line on the test was getting lighter instead of darker, I knew it was happening again. I was crushed....and I needed answers. My husband and I both had all of the testing available and apparently we are both fine. The "specialist" we have here isn't really a specialist at all. He is a great man but in reality, he is just a regular obgyn who has taken a few courses in infertility...nothing more.

So here I sit. Going on month 5 since the last loss and praying for a healthy pregnancy in the near future. I have decided if nothing happens in a few more months, I will get a referral out of town to a clinic that specializes in recurrent miscarriages. I hope that being 2012, with all of the medical advances out there, that something can be done. My doctor seems to think it is just "bad luck". For someone that "can fall into a pile of crap and come out smelling like a rose" - as my mother has always said, that explanation doesn't work for me. Not at all. As much as my husband hates seeing me try so hard to control something that I essentially have no control over; taking supplements, taking tests and researching to no end, only to be crushed and disappointed every month, I will continue. I will continue because this is my way of thinking I have a little bit of control over the situation, even if it is all for nothing. It is my way of dealing with the feeling of utter uselessness. Even more important, if I sit on my couch 20 years from now, cuddled up to my husband, never having had children, I will do so knowing that I tried as hard as I could and did everything I could think of to make it happen. As long as I can honestly say I did that, I can live my life without ever feeling like a failure.

Dust bunnies on a popcorn ceiling

Funny title. I thought of it as I lay on a treatment table full of acupuncture needles the other day. I was at Dr. Wei's office. He is a doctor of Chinese Medicine and he treated me when we first began our journey back in 2010. I was blessed with a pregnancy after seeing him for one month and then although he told me I needed to keep coming back for treatment to prevent miscarriage, I didn't...and I lost my baby when I was 10 weeks along. I didn't go back because I never thought in a million years I would have a miscarriage. I didn't have any idea how common it was because no one talks about it. Women have a miscarriage and aside from telling their husband and maybe their immediate family, they keep it to themselves. Why this subject is so taboo is quite beyond me, I mean, we have suffered a loss and  we should be encouraged to speak about it as a part of the healing process. Could you imagine losing a loved one and then being expected to keep it to yourself? To try to deal with the grief alone and to have people around you not be understanding because they don't know the reason you're in a bad mood or not yourself? People talk about loosing a pet for pete's sake, but telling someone they had a miscarriage isn't the norm? It is rare when a few weeks go by without someone announcing on Facebook that they have lost a beloved animal companion. "Oh poor Fluffy, my beloved cat, rest in peace, I will miss you so much and you have left a hole in my heart". This is often followed by a dozen posts from friends offering their condolences and sharing their own experiences of losing a pet. Could you imagine if I had posted "Oh poor Bean, my beloved baby, you were in my tummy for 10 weeks and even though I never got to meet you, I will have a hole in my heart forever. Rest in peace my sweet baby". No one would know what to do with that. They would be shocked that I posted it; maybe even think that it is a private situation and that announcing it is inappropriate. I would probably get the odd "I'm so sorry" reply,  but I think I would likely get several private messages from women I know that would tell me about how they went through the same thing and that they are available for support if I need it. They would "let me in on their secret",  yet they still wouldn't post it as a public message. Why? Because even they have been programmed to think that a miscarriage is a private topic that shouldn't be broadcasted. I really hope this changes one day. I think as women, we need to understand that we have suffered a real loss and we shouldn't be expected to deal with it on our own. Our friends should know the reason why we are sad or not quite ourselves. How can we expect people to help us through hard times if they don't know we are even going through them?

So, as I was relaxing during my fertility acupuncture treatment, the only place I had to stare was up...up at the ugly popcorn celing with the dust bunnies swaying in the breeze from the heat vent. I couldn't believe I was staring at this again...almost 2 years after the first time. Not only was I back for the same reason, I couldn't believe I didn't have any children yet! Still baby-less. To pour some salt in the wound, not only was I back AND baby-less, I had gone through two more losses after that first one. It's funny how much our life can change in a year and a half...and it's funny how much it can stay the same when you don't want it to. And poor, poor Dr. Wei. When he saw me, he immediately popped up with a big smile on his face and in the thickest Chinese accent,  said "SO??????? You have boy or you have girl???" Of course I had to tell him I had neither as I lost that pregnancy...and I had to tell him that I lost two more after that. He felt so bad. He felt so bad that it made me feel bad that he felt so bad. I quickly shrugged it off to clear the obvious level of uncomfortable tension in the room and said "It's OK. Really. I'm ok. Just fix me."  Poor Dr. Wei. He's got the weight of the world on his shoulders, because I have every faith he will.

Welcome to my journey...

Welcome everyone, to my crazy journey with trying to reproduce.
Two of the things in life that really make me calm are writing and music. I have a deep love of music. Ever since I was old enough to remember being able to hear, I have remembered loving music. Rock music, pop, heavy metal, classical - all kinds of music. It takes me away to another world for a spell and makes me happy. The title of my blog plays on that love. Rumours is my favourite Fleetwood Mac album. Every song on that album instantly transforms my mood. My favourite song off of that album, Dreams, has some lyrics that I can relate to:
 "But listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness
  Like a heartbeat, drives you mad
  In the stillness of remembering
  What you had, and what you lost
  what you had, and what you lost."
In fact, I am sure many of your who have suffered multiple miscarriages can relate. What you had...and what you lost....what you had...and what you lost. A miscarriage is something no women should have to go through. Ever. To go through it more than once is an experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Sometimes I wonder how I am even still trying to get pregnant; how I find the strength to carry on when all three of my pregnancies have resulted in no children. Then I remember....my friends. My husband. My family. My cats. All things I love, that in some way give me the strength to keep going. I find that these days though, it is becoming increasingly more difficult to keep up with the positive outlook. Here is where my second love comes into play. Writing. Just like music, writing takes me away to another place for a little while. I have loved to write ever since I was a child. It could be a short story or a wacky poem...doesn't matter. While I am writing it's like a time where my feelings of responsibility can be shut off. The best way of trying to explain this would be like a battery being re-charged. It's a time where I can escape reality and make my own. So here I sit, starting a blog and writing my very first post. This will be therapeutic for me. Hopefully it will be therapeutic for those of you in the same boat. Or perhaps no one will read my blog at all...and that is ok...this is, first and foremost, for me.

So welcome to Dreams - A Journey for Offspring. If you guessed that the name is a play on different bands, you guessed correctly. Journey is another great band and "Don't Stop Believing" has become an anthem to my life these days. As far as Offspring goes, what can I say. We all need music with lyrics that don't require you to think. I can't ever think of a time where I was feeling down and didn't instantly feel more cheerful when "Pretty Fly (for a white guy)" came on. Not the deepest song out there, but it does make you bob your head and forget about your troubles for a few minutes. I need that every now and then. I think everyone does.

Now sit back and join me on this journey, as I tell you all about what has happen so far, what I hope will happen in the future and of course, all of the ups and downs along the way.