So, as promised in my very first post, this entry will give you a quick update about where I have been, where I am now and where I hope to end up. Let me start by telling you that I am a Sagittarius. That will mean nothing to you, unless you, yourself are also of that sign. We are free spirits. We do not tend to like being confined or tied down. We love to travel and explore and we also tend to go from one hobby to the next very quickly, not because we cannot master what we have tried, au contraire, we can master anything we put our minds to. We go from one thing to the next so often because we are bored and constantly seeking that next rush of adrenalin us Sag's so desperately need. The reason I explain this to you is so you can grasp why I didn't begin thinking about having children until I was in my mid 30's and also so you can understand how extremely frustrating this whole "getting knocked up" thing is for me. To be doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result (that is the definition of insanity, right?). To research and take every supplement out there and get every test and gadget and still have zero control over the outcome. This is extremely hard for someone who has being in control running through their veins.
I will begin by saying I didn't get engaged until my 30th birthday and we were married 2 years later. I was never one of those gals that "needed a man". I never intended on settling. If I happened to meet the man of my dreams (and I never thought I would meet any man that measured up) then great. If I spent the rest of my life single because I didn't, then so be it. I always said that I fully deserved to be treated the way my father treated me (which was and is still, like a princess) and would not tolerate any less. So, when the right man did come along and I fell completely and desperately in love, the thought of sharing my life with someone didn't sound half bad. Before we married and even after, I had no intentions of even having a child. After we married we wanted to travel and spend time with each other and we didn't start discussing children until about 2 years later. We decided if we had them, great. If we didn't, no big deal. We weren't one of those couples that marry to have a family. We were a family already and if we were blessed with children, then it was a bonus. I think deep down we both figured that once we decided to start trying to have a child, that boom...it would happen instantly. The thing was, it kind of did. We started trying and 3 months later I discovered I was pregnant. For someone who had a "take it or leave it" attitude towards having children, I honestly couldn't remember being happier. It all seemed surreal though and when I think about it now, I think deep down I had a sense that something wasn't right. I miscarried at 10 weeks along and it was a horrible experience that I would never wish on my worst enemy. It wasn't just the physical pain and loss, it was so much more. It happened at a time when my husband was out of town and couldn't return for a couple of days later. It sparked a shocking realization of who my real friends were. People I thought were my friends completely abandoned me at a time when I didn't need more sadness piled on. I never told anyone this but I was in a really dark place and I am thankful that I came out of it. I honestly had moments where I felt I wanted to die. I realize now that a lot of that was hormones, which made a horrible situation even harder to deal with. I did deal with it though...and after taking a few months off we started trying again and became pregnant 4 months later in July of 2010. That one ended in something they call a chemical pregnancy, which is essentially an early miscarriage before the baby is seen on an ultrasound (in Canada that is anything before about 8 weeks or so). We continued trying right away and when I took a pregnancy test in September 2010 and it was positive, I was once again, ecstatic. I took a test everyday to make sure things were progressing and when I noticed that the line on the test was getting lighter instead of darker, I knew it was happening again. I was crushed....and I needed answers. My husband and I both had all of the testing available and apparently we are both fine. The "specialist" we have here isn't really a specialist at all. He is a great man but in reality, he is just a regular obgyn who has taken a few courses in infertility...nothing more.
So here I sit. Going on month 5 since the last loss and praying for a healthy pregnancy in the near future. I have decided if nothing happens in a few more months, I will get a referral out of town to a clinic that specializes in recurrent miscarriages. I hope that being 2012, with all of the medical advances out there, that something can be done. My doctor seems to think it is just "bad luck". For someone that "can fall into a pile of crap and come out smelling like a rose" - as my mother has always said, that explanation doesn't work for me. Not at all. As much as my husband hates seeing me try so hard to control something that I essentially have no control over; taking supplements, taking tests and researching to no end, only to be crushed and disappointed every month, I will continue. I will continue because this is my way of thinking I have a little bit of control over the situation, even if it is all for nothing. It is my way of dealing with the feeling of utter uselessness. Even more important, if I sit on my couch 20 years from now, cuddled up to my husband, never having had children, I will do so knowing that I tried as hard as I could and did everything I could think of to make it happen. As long as I can honestly say I did that, I can live my life without ever feeling like a failure.
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