OOPS!

Well. I guess I said I would post again "in a few weeks" and at that time I was nearing the end of my pregnancy. My son is now 16 months old, so I think this post is just a bit later than that!! Considering over a year has passed, I will give you a quick update!
On February 26th, 2013, I went in to see the doc in the morning and he gave me some cervical gel to get things ready for my induction the following day. Turned out I didn't need the induction as the gel was enough to get things started. My water broke around 7:00pm that evening and I got to the hospital around 7:30pm and was already having some pretty good contractions that were about 4 minutes apart. I laboured ALL night until about 8:15 when I began pushing. At 9:06am, my beautiful miracle, Gage Joseph was born. He was 7 pounds 7 ounces and measured at 20.5 inches long. It was a very painful experience and I had quite a few stitches!
I must say, the last 16 months has absolutely flown by. He is perfect. He has the cutest personality and is such a good boy with boundless energy.
We have been trying for #2 for the last several months and I will keep you all updated!!

Here is a picture of him from his 1st Birthday photo shoot.

I can see the finish line!!

Well, here I sit, 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant. If my doctor's plans for induction still stand, that makes less than 5 weeks until our precious little boy gets here. I am still getting anxious when I think of how our life will change and of course, I am still terrified at the thought of child birth, although I guess it is a tad late for that! I had an ultrasound on Friday to see how bubby was doing and he is doing well and has been estimated at 5lbs. The average weight for a baby boy at that gestation is 4lbs 11 ounces so he is 5ounces over. Not huge, but looks like he will be about 8 pounds when he gets here (which is certainly large enough for me when I think of how he will make his grand entrance...ouchies..). From here on, I will have a non stress test once a week. My first test last Thursday went well. I was SO nervous! Not really about the test, since it is really nothing but laying there with monitors strapped to my belly and a button to press every time I feel him move, but just walking through those doors at the labour and delivery department at the hospital was overwhelming. I guess I have waited so long to walk through those doors and have had so many moments over the past few years when I thought I would never get the chance to be there, coupled with the fact that birth is so quickly approaching made it all a little much. So many emotions going through my body at the same time made it a little hard to breath! The nurses were great and I recognized a lot of the names and voices from dealing with them over the phone through the years when they have called to inform us of a baby's death. We had another 2 babies at work over the last couple of weeks and I find it is getting harder and harder to deal with. It just confirms that no matter how far you are in your pregnancy or how well you think things are going, everything can change in an instant. Life is so fragile. Of course, in my business, we never like to think about our own mortality....we can't....we are too busy being strong for others, so when we are faced with it, I think it's harder for us to deal with than anyone else. Ironic, but true.
Baby boy's crib came in last week so Trav and Uncle Joe put it together on Friday. Every time I walk by the room I have to go in and look at it. I still can't believe this is real I guess, even despite the huge belly and feeling like I have been kicked in the crotch which is now a feeling I have every morning and every day from about 4pm on. Fun.
Well, that's my update folks! I will post again next week. Love and blessings to everyone.

Where is the time going??

I can't believe as I sit here that I am just a couple of days away from being 29 weeks pregnant! It is still surreal, even at this point! I am feeling pretty great, aside from some fatigue which is caused mainly by the need to get up to pee every 2 hours during the night. My feet are definitely larger than they used to be and by days end, they are swollen, although nothing too terribly shocking. I have no back pain or sciatic pain and none of the pelvic pain a lot of pregnant women complain about but I do still have about 9 or so weeks to go (my Doc said she will very likely induce me at 38 weeks because of the gestational diabetes) so I won't gloat about it just yet. Speaking of the gestational diabetes, I am still controlling it with diet so no insulin injections yet, thank goodness. The diabetes nurse did say that very, very few women get all the way through without having to go on insulin but most are on it by this point and I have managed to avoid it, so I will just keep my fingers crossed.
From here on in, my doctors appointments will be every 2 weeks. Considering I also have to meet with the diabetes nurse every 2 weeks, that makes for a lot of appointments, which is frustrating, especially when I work full time and getting around is starting to get a bit more difficult.
As far as work goes, I don't have a date in mind of when I will stop working and I hope to continue for as long as I can. Realistically, I think by the beginning of February, I will be ready to consider reducing my hours, if not going on leave all together. I have decided I am taking my full year of maternity leave also. I figure I have worked full time since I was 19 or 20 and I have never taken any kind of unemployment benefits (or any government benefits for that matter) in my life, so I am going to take this opportunity to stay home and not miss any of the little guy's developments for the first year. The cut in pay will be huge (about 45% of my usual income - and that is with a 20% employer top up!) but we can manage and I just don't think I will be able to separate myself from him before the year is up.
I am starting to think about child birth and about being a mom for the first time and I must admit that I am terrified! I am sure all first time mom's go through this but I don't like it one bit. I am so terrified of what will happen during the birth and then the thought of being responsible for another life all of a sudden. I also find it scary to think that on that day when we leave the house and drive away on our way to the hospital, that it will be for the very last time as a family of 2. We have only had each other for the past 7.5 years of marriage and although I know the change will different yet for the better, I still worry about how we will adjust, how our relationship will change and how we will make out as a family of 3. We have an amazing marriage and relationship and I guess at this point I couldn't imagine it being any better, so if the only way to go is down, then what will happen. Logically, I know our marriage will actually get better and be filled with so many more happy times, but when something is so good already, it's only human nature to not be able to fathom it improving even more.
Well, that's my update folks. I promise from here on in to update more frequently! Take care everyone and let's all take a moment to say a prayer for those poor children and their families in Connecticut. 

It's a BOY!!

Just a quick update since my last post. I am so sorry I haven't been updating as often as I should but I have been so preoccupied with the happiness of pregnancy that my blog has been put on the back burner.
I had my Integrated Prenatal Screening at around 13 weeks to check for any abnormalities like spina bifida and trisomy issues. I received word a few weeks later that all looked normal. They did not feel there is any risk of spina bifida and my risk for a trisomy was one in over 1,100 which is small enough for me to relax. I had my 20 week ultrasound scan to check for other anatomical abnormalities and everything was normal once again. I was able to take home a bunch of pictures of the little guy (yes, I also found out at this scan that I am having a boy!) and it was so incredible to see the 3D pics and see his little face in there!
Unfortunately, I did have a higher than normal blood pressure reading during this time and was put on some meds but because they made my BP too low, the dose has been lowered. I purchased a digital monitor to keep up on it and it is still on the low side most times which almost confirms my opinion that I have "White Coat Syndrome". Also, I took my BP while in the car before my appointment and got 109/65 then not 15 minutes later in the doctors office got a reading of 130/80 on both his cuff and my monitor so I am quite certain that this is the case. What was confirmed though, was that I did fail my glucose tolerance test so I have been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, although all of my blood readings have been in the normal range so far. I am required to test my blood 7 times a day and report all of my numbers to the nurse twice a week. It doesn't appear from my numbers that I am diabetic, however she did say that as the placenta and baby grow, my body may not make more insulin to compensate and some women do have to go on insulin injections. Hopefully this isn't the case for me and so far, so good. The good thing about this diagnosis is that I will get to see my baby again because they will be doing more ultrasounds to keep track of baby's size (because higher blood sugar levels can cause baby to be bigger and birth may have to be induced at an earlier time).
Aside from all of that, I am feeling great! A little more tired than usual but that is really the only side effect so far that is bothersome (and not really that bothersome at all). The best thing is that I have begun to feel him kick...not the flutters of the last several weeks, but full on kicks!! It is so cool. I can actually see my stomach move when he does this! He loves to tease his Daddy though, as every time I tell him to place his hand on my belly, the little stinker stops all together, only to commence kicking again the very moment he takes his hand away. My belly, by the way, is apparently right on track, even a tad smaller than average (of course I feel huge at this point and keep wondering how I can possible get any bigger!).
That is my update so far folks! I am still paranoid every single day and I suspect that won't go away. I am so happy though and at times I still can't believe I am almost 6 months pregnant. It feels like just yesterday I was surrounded my medications, supplements, ovulation tests and monthly disappointment. I thank God for blessing me with this amazing miracle and I honestly cannot wait to meet him!
Here is a pic of my miracle at just under 20 weeks.

God is good.

Well, at the beginning of June, I took one last kick at the cat. The last option before moving on to IVF in September. Clomid. I didn't really think it would make any difference, because ovulating is not my problem but I figured, what have I got to lose. I suffered through the first week. Headaches, night sweats, moodiness and just a general feeling like I was headed to the funny farm. I took 50mg (the lowest dose) from cycle days 4 to 8. I took a pregnancy test like I usually do each month so I know to stop taking the progesterone and to my surprise, it was positive!!!! YAY!!! I was pregnant!!! Again. Then the fear and doubt took over. However, I managed to put the other failed pregnancies out of my mind and just tried to stay positive. A few days before my period was due, I started spotting. I was crushed. So crushed, in fact, that I had to take the day off from work. I was so upset and disappointed that I couldn't even manage to leave the house. By the afternoon though, the spotting stopped and didn't come back! I continued to spend an obscene amount of money on pregnancy tests and took one every day to make sure the lines were getting darker and not lighter. They got darker!! Next thing I had to face was my ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days. As if I wasn't nervous enough, 2 days before my appointment, I woke up to more spotting. It only lasted that day and went away. I went to the ultrasound almost expecting them to tell me there was no heartbeat, but instead was floored when the tech showed me a nice, strong, beating heart!!!!! She also saw a small "bleed" that she said caused the spotting and although most of them heal themselves, it was something to watch. That night I gave in to the evils of Google and found that there was a chance this bleed would cause me to miscarry. Once again, I was terrified. I was especially terrified when 6 days later, the spotting returned for about an hour. Once again though, it went away. My first prenatal appointment went well and the doctor wasn't concerned with the bleed. He said everything looked good and reminded me that at this point "It was out of our hands." Turns out that God's hands were very gracious and fast forward to today's date, I am almost 13 weeks and had the most amazing experience today. I got to see my baby for the second time. Wiggling and twisting and turning with a healthy heartbeat. It even looks like a baby now!! Today was one of the best days of my life. I am still nervous and cautious and afraid to let myself get too excited. I suspect because of my history, those feelings will continue until this beautiful baby is safe in my arms. I will keep you all updated. I hope you'll come along for the ride. A ride down a road that I started to think I would never get to see. Dreams do come true.
God is good.

Round Eight

Ding Ding!!!
Here we go! It's round 8...the eighth month of trying to get pregnant since my last miscarriage in September. My Clearblue Fertility Monitor says today is cycle day 11 and I got my first "high" reading this morning. Usually I get 2 high days followed by 2 "peak" days. This means that anytime now, I can start cornering him in the hallway and waking him up early in the morning to make the poor bastard perform on demand while he is still half asleep. I used to get excited around this time in my cycle. Excited that another month of hope was here and excited about the possibility of seeing that elusive positive in just a mere 14 days. Things are different now. For the last few cycles, I have had a really hard time seeing that negative pregnancy test. Don't get me wrong, I never did jump for joy at the site of a negative test and it has always made me extremely sad, however, the past few months have been unusually hard to deal with. It was been so hard, in fact, that this month I feel like instead of being excited at the prospect of what the next 2 weeks may bring, I find myself completely and utterly terrified at how I will deal with another let down. I feel like I started out on this journey wearing a thick suit of protective armour and as each month goes by, another layer gets stripped off. I am almost naked...and the jabs are beginning to really injure me. How many more jabs can I take? What month will I receive the final jab, the one that takes me down for good? It's anyone's guess, really. Even I can't even wager a guess on the round that ends this fight. What terrifies me,  is that I feel it's close. I'm getting weak and losing strength quickly...and my old wounds aren't healing anymore. For now though, I am still in the game. I am staggering towards my opponent with little energy, peering through bruised and swollen eyes that are half shut, but I am still standing...and however bleak the chances may seem of coming out of this a winner, there is still a chance...so give me some water, wipe my wounds, put on my gloves and lemme at 'em!!

Crushed again.

Well, I tested this morning and looks like yet another month of disappointment. Granted, this was to be my "month off", but lets face it, it's pretty hard to give up trying all together. I know my body well and even though I didn't use ovulation predictors or a thermometer, I know when things are happening and we did the best we could during that period of time. It seems like each and every time I get a negative pregnancy test, it sucks a little bit out of me. The only thing that keeps me going every month is hope. Hope that one month will be my lucky month. Then, when I discover it is just another unlucky month, I break down, cry, scream, do whatever it is I need to do to stay sane and then move on to the next month. Why? Hope. It's all about hope. A new month brings another possibility. Until I am completely void of hope, I will keep moving on to the next month. Thing is though, I think the "hope" tank may be headed towards empty. The little gas tank light hasn't turned on yet, but I don't think I have much more than about a quarter of a tank. At what point do you give up? At what point do you decide that enough is enough? That years of pain, hurt and disappointment are at their max and you need to come to terms with the fact that you will never birth children of your own and find out what other joys you will find in life; what reason for living if not to bring up a child?
Honestly, I have to say that this has been one of the more painful weeks I have endured. I find myself wondering if I should go to my doctors appointment next month or just cancel. Do I give up or do I move on to the next step? One of the things that scares me silly is the chance of moving on to IVF and it failing. I can barely keep it together on the days I find out I am not pregnant again. I can't imagine dealing with finding this out after injections, plane rides and upwards of $15,000. How would I even cope with that? To put the icing on the cake, yesterday I had to sit across from a mother who just gave birth to a stillborn baby the day before. A perfect, full term baby. Instead of picking out cute newborn items, she was picking out a cremation urn. I barely made it through. She broke down so many times. As she signed papers authorizing her first child to be cremated, her hands covered in bruises and bandages from being poked and prodded with needles and IV's just 24 hours before, I thought of my grocery list and the things I needed to pick up before Easter. I thought of my spring cleaning list. Basically, I thought of anything I could think of to take me away from where I was so I didn't break down right with her. The door barely closed behind them when I hurried to the bathroom, shut the door and let loose. I cried for a solid 15 minutes. I felt horrible for her, no question, however, I found that wasn't really the reason I was so upset. I was crying out of anger, frustration, confusion and hopelessness. I was pissed. WHY?  That's the answer. Why. Why did this couple carry a baby for 41 weeks only to deliver a lifeless body? Every ultrasound, every check-up, every reassurance that this little life was doing fine, only to have the plug of hopes and dreams pulled at the very last second? Why would God do this??? Why would God allow me to become pregnant THREE times and then decide I suddenly shouldn't be...and apparently now decide after 3 times that he just isn't going to let me get pregnant anymore period??? Why me...and why her?? Why do all of the young girls walking around in Walmart with their 3 children and baby bump spending their monthly welfare cheques get to have children so easily? What the HELL did we do wrong to deserve this shit? Everything is backward, isn't it? Maybe she shouldn't have been such a hardworking, upstanding member of society who ate right, didn't smoke or drink and made sure she had prenatal care from just as soon as she found out she was expecting? What good did that do? The junkie across the street living off the system birthed 4 live babies without any issues, didn't she?
So I had my 15 minute crying session and returned to my desk, looking like I had just smoked the world's largest doobie...and I was ok. That was until this morning, when after I received my negative test and came in to work, one of the family members walked in and handed me a large stuffed animal they wanted to go with the baby for cremation. Then it all started again.
I have so many emotions running through my head at this time and I can't make sense of any of it. One second I feel like giving up all together and the next I feel like I want to try everything I can. My brain is like a roulette wheel right now. The question is, where will the ball land? Right now, I really can't tell. What I do know, is that I can't go on like this. It's not fair to me and it certainly isn't fair to my poor husband, who has been the most amazing, patient, tolerant person. I have turned into Cybil these past few months and he just sits back and lets me be crazy and sometimes even awful to him....because he is within the closest reach of my outbursts and frustration....and sometimes we are the worst to those that are closest to us. He didn't say a word this morning as I came storming into the kitchen and threw all of my supplements and vitamins into a garbage can. He said nothing as I called and cancelled today's fertility acupuncture appointment, lying to Dr. Wei that I was too busy to make it and was going out of town and didn't know for how long. He said nothing as got myself a glass of juice, slamming the glass down on the counter and hitting the refrigerator door closed with so much force that it almost broke. He knew what was up and he let me vent. He is a man of few words when it comes to trying to understand my crazy emotions and knowing what to say to make me feel better. We got in the car and headed for work and at about 5 minutes into the ride, he took my hand, kissed it and put it on his lap in his and we continued on to work, not speaking a word to each other the entire way. I realized that was really all that I really needed.
Well that's all for today folks. Unfortunately duty calls...and I have to deal with a little baby that needs her stuffed animal. Bless her soul. "Too beautiful for earth".