Round Eight

Ding Ding!!!
Here we go! It's round 8...the eighth month of trying to get pregnant since my last miscarriage in September. My Clearblue Fertility Monitor says today is cycle day 11 and I got my first "high" reading this morning. Usually I get 2 high days followed by 2 "peak" days. This means that anytime now, I can start cornering him in the hallway and waking him up early in the morning to make the poor bastard perform on demand while he is still half asleep. I used to get excited around this time in my cycle. Excited that another month of hope was here and excited about the possibility of seeing that elusive positive in just a mere 14 days. Things are different now. For the last few cycles, I have had a really hard time seeing that negative pregnancy test. Don't get me wrong, I never did jump for joy at the site of a negative test and it has always made me extremely sad, however, the past few months have been unusually hard to deal with. It was been so hard, in fact, that this month I feel like instead of being excited at the prospect of what the next 2 weeks may bring, I find myself completely and utterly terrified at how I will deal with another let down. I feel like I started out on this journey wearing a thick suit of protective armour and as each month goes by, another layer gets stripped off. I am almost naked...and the jabs are beginning to really injure me. How many more jabs can I take? What month will I receive the final jab, the one that takes me down for good? It's anyone's guess, really. Even I can't even wager a guess on the round that ends this fight. What terrifies me,  is that I feel it's close. I'm getting weak and losing strength quickly...and my old wounds aren't healing anymore. For now though, I am still in the game. I am staggering towards my opponent with little energy, peering through bruised and swollen eyes that are half shut, but I am still standing...and however bleak the chances may seem of coming out of this a winner, there is still a chance...so give me some water, wipe my wounds, put on my gloves and lemme at 'em!!