Funny title. I thought of it as I lay on a treatment table full of acupuncture needles the other day. I was at Dr. Wei's office. He is a doctor of Chinese Medicine and he treated me when we first began our journey back in 2010. I was blessed with a pregnancy after seeing him for one month and then although he told me I needed to keep coming back for treatment to prevent miscarriage, I didn't...and I lost my baby when I was 10 weeks along. I didn't go back because I never thought in a million years I would have a miscarriage. I didn't have any idea how common it was because no one talks about it. Women have a miscarriage and aside from telling their husband and maybe their immediate family, they keep it to themselves. Why this subject is so taboo is quite beyond me, I mean, we have suffered a loss and we should be encouraged to speak about it as a part of the healing process. Could you imagine losing a loved one and then being expected to keep it to yourself? To try to deal with the grief alone and to have people around you not be understanding because they don't know the reason you're in a bad mood or not yourself? People talk about loosing a pet for pete's sake, but telling someone they had a miscarriage isn't the norm? It is rare when a few weeks go by without someone announcing on Facebook that they have lost a beloved animal companion. "Oh poor Fluffy, my beloved cat, rest in peace, I will miss you so much and you have left a hole in my heart". This is often followed by a dozen posts from friends offering their condolences and sharing their own experiences of losing a pet. Could you imagine if I had posted "Oh poor Bean, my beloved baby, you were in my tummy for 10 weeks and even though I never got to meet you, I will have a hole in my heart forever. Rest in peace my sweet baby". No one would know what to do with that. They would be shocked that I posted it; maybe even think that it is a private situation and that announcing it is inappropriate. I would probably get the odd "I'm so sorry" reply, but I think I would likely get several private messages from women I know that would tell me about how they went through the same thing and that they are available for support if I need it. They would "let me in on their secret", yet they still wouldn't post it as a public message. Why? Because even they have been programmed to think that a miscarriage is a private topic that shouldn't be broadcasted. I really hope this changes one day. I think as women, we need to understand that we have suffered a real loss and we shouldn't be expected to deal with it on our own. Our friends should know the reason why we are sad or not quite ourselves. How can we expect people to help us through hard times if they don't know we are even going through them?
So, as I was relaxing during my fertility acupuncture treatment, the only place I had to stare was up...up at the ugly popcorn celing with the dust bunnies swaying in the breeze from the heat vent. I couldn't believe I was staring at this again...almost 2 years after the first time. Not only was I back for the same reason, I couldn't believe I didn't have any children yet! Still baby-less. To pour some salt in the wound, not only was I back AND baby-less, I had gone through two more losses after that first one. It's funny how much our life can change in a year and a half...and it's funny how much it can stay the same when you don't want it to. And poor, poor Dr. Wei. When he saw me, he immediately popped up with a big smile on his face and in the thickest Chinese accent, said "SO??????? You have boy or you have girl???" Of course I had to tell him I had neither as I lost that pregnancy...and I had to tell him that I lost two more after that. He felt so bad. He felt so bad that it made me feel bad that he felt so bad. I quickly shrugged it off to clear the obvious level of uncomfortable tension in the room and said "It's OK. Really. I'm ok. Just fix me." Poor Dr. Wei. He's got the weight of the world on his shoulders, because I have every faith he will.
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