Two Weeks of Hell

Good day everyone.  Today I find myself in the midst of yet another 2WW. For those of you following me that are not TTC (trying to conceive), the 2WW is simply the Two Week Wait. This is the two week period of time between ovulation and the time your period arrives (or doesn’t arrive, with any luck). It’s an awful wait and probably the time of each month when time goes by the slowest. You wonder if this month it finally happened. You analyze every teeny tiny symptom. Is that a cramp? Could it be implantation cramping? Was that a tiny spot of blood when I wiped? Could that be implantation bleeding? My boobs are so sore. Could I be pregnant? The shitty thing is that very early pregnancy symptoms are exactly like the symptoms of PMS. So, you can see how month after month of praying, hoping and symptom spotting can turn you into a crazy person. Add in the prescription progesterone I have to take every month during the 2WW and I am a bomb ready to explode. Go ahead...look at me funny. Cut me off on the road. Chew with your mouth open......go ahead. I dare you. That is me in a nutshell. A hormonal mess. A complete lunatic. It’s a wonder I haven’t hurt anyone yet. Oh well. This is just the way it is and I have to cope with it. The hope that one of these 2WW’s will end with a nice positive pregnancy test is enough to keep me going. Until then, a word of advice. If you see me on the road, just do yourself a favour and think of me as a school bus...keep back 100 feet. Believe me, it’s for your own good.

Time to tint my hair blue...

You all know the shade I am talking about. The 75 plus ladies walking around with their tight perms and their hair coloured that shade of silvery grey with an ever so slight hint of blue to it? I decided I may as well go for it, since when I looked at my kitchen counter this morning, I decided if I didn’t know it was mine I would think I was standing in a house belonging to an 82 year old...an 82 year old in poor health, I might add. There on my counter, was a jumbled mass of supplements; a collection of bottles so plenty, it would make a cancer patient shake their head. I’ve got my folic acid (birth defects), B6 (got to help out that luteal phase), B12 (just goes with the B6, doesn’t it?), royal jelly (just because that damn queen bee is so fertile...bitch..), Norwegian fish oil and wheat germ oil (because the internet tells me so and I am so desperate these days that I will take advice from random strangers), baby aspirin (because my doctor said it couldn’t hurt) and a good old regular pre-natal multi vitamin (just in case I missed something). I also have some co-enzyme Q10 and resveratrol waiting at the post office for me to pick up (have to keep those eggs young, you know).If you think that is bad, it gets worse. Off in the distance is the Mucinex I take during ovulation (making body fluids more hospitable for my up coming guests), the Benadryl I take after ovulation (maybe uterine histamines are killing my guests once they arrive??), bromelain enzyme (supposed to make the guests want to stay) and of course, the "Mac Daddy" of all my supplements, the bottle given to me by my Chinese acupuncturist who thinks my problem has it’s roots in my kidneys. A bottle that has a label that I can’t even read. It is entirely in Chinese, except for a couple of sentences in English which explain that this kidney issue is confirmed by a “coolness in the loins”. Now, Dr. Wei certainly didn’t feel my loins, nor would I like him to, so I am just going to trust him on this one and take my pills. After all, they’re only “Jin Gui Shen Qi Wan” pills...and I only have to take 24 of them a day. No biggie...and besides, if I can finally get hot loins as a side effect, it's all worth it, no?
Wow. The things we will do to get pregnant. Half of it is probably mind over matter. I think I can see steam rising from my loins right now!!
Have a wonderful weekend everyone. I will be back next week, at which time, I will be in my 2WW. I will not be posting this weekend because I will be too busy with the things you do in the days preceding a 2WW. Wish me luck!

My entire life has become an abbreviation.

Happy Valentines Day - or should I say “HVD”.

“CD” 8. That is what I am on today. I know this because not only do I keep track, but the “CBFM” tells me so. This is what my life has been reduced to. It’s not “Wednesday” or “Friday” or “Christmas Eve” or “Easter”. For me, it’s “CD” 1 (the worst of all because that means “AF” got me) or “CD” 14 (am I “O” yet? Better get out the “OPK’s”) or it’s the “2WW” which means my days then turn to “2dpo” or “4dpo” or better yet, “10dpo” when I can start testing with “HPT’s”. Will it finally be a “BFP”? Or will it be another dreaded “BFN”? Should I use a “FRER”? Will I be blessed with “baby dust” and if I was, will it finally be “sticky”? Lord know’s we “BD” enough or did we??? I mean, we followed the “SMEP” this month...I checked my “CP” and found “CM” but was it the highly coveted “EWCM”?? Do I need to see an OBGYN?? OMG....maybe an “OBGYN” isn’t enough! Maybe now I need an “RE”?? Should I discuss it with the girls on “BNB” or “BTZ”???
UGH.
If you have no clue what I am talking about, then you need to count your lucky stars you’re not at this stage just yet. If you do understand, I’m so sorry. The crazy train leaves at six....wanna sit together??

Past, Present and Future

So, as promised in my very first post, this entry will give you a quick update about where I have been, where I am now and where I hope to end up. Let me start by telling you that I am a Sagittarius. That will mean nothing to you, unless you, yourself are also of that sign. We are free spirits. We do not tend to like being confined or tied down. We love to travel and explore and we also tend to go from one hobby to the next very quickly, not because we cannot master what we have tried, au contraire, we can master anything we put our minds to. We go from one thing to the next so often because we are bored and constantly seeking that next rush of adrenalin us Sag's so desperately need. The reason I explain this to you is so you can grasp why I didn't begin thinking about having children until I was in my mid 30's and also so you can understand how extremely frustrating this whole "getting knocked up" thing is for me. To be doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result (that is the definition of insanity, right?). To research and take every supplement out there and get every test and gadget and still have zero control over the outcome. This is extremely hard for someone who has being in control running through their veins.

I will begin by saying I didn't get engaged until my 30th birthday and we were married 2 years later. I was never one of those gals that "needed a man". I never intended on settling. If I happened to meet the man of my dreams (and I never thought I would meet any man that measured up) then great. If I spent the rest of my life single because I didn't, then so be it. I always said that I fully deserved to be treated the way my father treated me (which was and is still, like a princess) and would not tolerate any less. So, when the right man did come along and I fell completely and desperately in love, the thought of sharing my life with someone didn't sound half bad. Before we married and even after, I had no intentions of even having a child. After we married we wanted to travel and spend time with each other and we didn't start discussing children until about 2 years later. We decided if we had them, great. If we didn't, no big deal. We weren't one of those couples that marry to have a family. We were a family already and if we were blessed with children, then it was a bonus. I think deep down we both figured that once we decided to start trying to have a child, that boom...it would happen instantly. The thing was, it kind of did. We started trying and 3 months later I discovered I was pregnant. For someone who had a "take it or leave it" attitude towards having children, I honestly couldn't remember being happier. It all seemed surreal though and when I think about it now, I think deep down I had a sense that something wasn't right. I miscarried at 10 weeks along and it was a horrible experience that I would never wish on my worst enemy. It wasn't just the physical pain and loss, it was so much more. It happened at a time when my husband was out of town and couldn't return for a couple of days later. It sparked a shocking realization of who my real friends were. People I thought were my friends completely abandoned me at a time when I didn't need more sadness piled on. I never told anyone this but I was in a really dark place and I am thankful that I came out of it. I honestly had moments where I felt I wanted to die. I realize now that a lot of that was hormones, which made a horrible situation even harder to deal with. I did deal with it though...and after taking a few months off we started trying again and became pregnant 4 months later in July of 2010. That one ended in something they call a chemical pregnancy, which is essentially an early miscarriage before the baby is seen on an ultrasound (in Canada that is anything before about 8 weeks or so). We continued trying right away and when I took a pregnancy test in September 2010 and it was positive, I was once again, ecstatic. I took a test everyday to make sure things were progressing and when I noticed that the line on the test was getting lighter instead of darker, I knew it was happening again. I was crushed....and I needed answers. My husband and I both had all of the testing available and apparently we are both fine. The "specialist" we have here isn't really a specialist at all. He is a great man but in reality, he is just a regular obgyn who has taken a few courses in infertility...nothing more.

So here I sit. Going on month 5 since the last loss and praying for a healthy pregnancy in the near future. I have decided if nothing happens in a few more months, I will get a referral out of town to a clinic that specializes in recurrent miscarriages. I hope that being 2012, with all of the medical advances out there, that something can be done. My doctor seems to think it is just "bad luck". For someone that "can fall into a pile of crap and come out smelling like a rose" - as my mother has always said, that explanation doesn't work for me. Not at all. As much as my husband hates seeing me try so hard to control something that I essentially have no control over; taking supplements, taking tests and researching to no end, only to be crushed and disappointed every month, I will continue. I will continue because this is my way of thinking I have a little bit of control over the situation, even if it is all for nothing. It is my way of dealing with the feeling of utter uselessness. Even more important, if I sit on my couch 20 years from now, cuddled up to my husband, never having had children, I will do so knowing that I tried as hard as I could and did everything I could think of to make it happen. As long as I can honestly say I did that, I can live my life without ever feeling like a failure.

Dust bunnies on a popcorn ceiling

Funny title. I thought of it as I lay on a treatment table full of acupuncture needles the other day. I was at Dr. Wei's office. He is a doctor of Chinese Medicine and he treated me when we first began our journey back in 2010. I was blessed with a pregnancy after seeing him for one month and then although he told me I needed to keep coming back for treatment to prevent miscarriage, I didn't...and I lost my baby when I was 10 weeks along. I didn't go back because I never thought in a million years I would have a miscarriage. I didn't have any idea how common it was because no one talks about it. Women have a miscarriage and aside from telling their husband and maybe their immediate family, they keep it to themselves. Why this subject is so taboo is quite beyond me, I mean, we have suffered a loss and  we should be encouraged to speak about it as a part of the healing process. Could you imagine losing a loved one and then being expected to keep it to yourself? To try to deal with the grief alone and to have people around you not be understanding because they don't know the reason you're in a bad mood or not yourself? People talk about loosing a pet for pete's sake, but telling someone they had a miscarriage isn't the norm? It is rare when a few weeks go by without someone announcing on Facebook that they have lost a beloved animal companion. "Oh poor Fluffy, my beloved cat, rest in peace, I will miss you so much and you have left a hole in my heart". This is often followed by a dozen posts from friends offering their condolences and sharing their own experiences of losing a pet. Could you imagine if I had posted "Oh poor Bean, my beloved baby, you were in my tummy for 10 weeks and even though I never got to meet you, I will have a hole in my heart forever. Rest in peace my sweet baby". No one would know what to do with that. They would be shocked that I posted it; maybe even think that it is a private situation and that announcing it is inappropriate. I would probably get the odd "I'm so sorry" reply,  but I think I would likely get several private messages from women I know that would tell me about how they went through the same thing and that they are available for support if I need it. They would "let me in on their secret",  yet they still wouldn't post it as a public message. Why? Because even they have been programmed to think that a miscarriage is a private topic that shouldn't be broadcasted. I really hope this changes one day. I think as women, we need to understand that we have suffered a real loss and we shouldn't be expected to deal with it on our own. Our friends should know the reason why we are sad or not quite ourselves. How can we expect people to help us through hard times if they don't know we are even going through them?

So, as I was relaxing during my fertility acupuncture treatment, the only place I had to stare was up...up at the ugly popcorn celing with the dust bunnies swaying in the breeze from the heat vent. I couldn't believe I was staring at this again...almost 2 years after the first time. Not only was I back for the same reason, I couldn't believe I didn't have any children yet! Still baby-less. To pour some salt in the wound, not only was I back AND baby-less, I had gone through two more losses after that first one. It's funny how much our life can change in a year and a half...and it's funny how much it can stay the same when you don't want it to. And poor, poor Dr. Wei. When he saw me, he immediately popped up with a big smile on his face and in the thickest Chinese accent,  said "SO??????? You have boy or you have girl???" Of course I had to tell him I had neither as I lost that pregnancy...and I had to tell him that I lost two more after that. He felt so bad. He felt so bad that it made me feel bad that he felt so bad. I quickly shrugged it off to clear the obvious level of uncomfortable tension in the room and said "It's OK. Really. I'm ok. Just fix me."  Poor Dr. Wei. He's got the weight of the world on his shoulders, because I have every faith he will.