Ding Ding!!!
Here we go! It's round 8...the eighth month of trying to get pregnant since my last miscarriage in September. My Clearblue Fertility Monitor says today is cycle day 11 and I got my first "high" reading this morning. Usually I get 2 high days followed by 2 "peak" days. This means that anytime now, I can start cornering him in the hallway and waking him up early in the morning to make the poor bastard perform on demand while he is still half asleep. I used to get excited around this time in my cycle. Excited that another month of hope was here and excited about the possibility of seeing that elusive positive in just a mere 14 days. Things are different now. For the last few cycles, I have had a really hard time seeing that negative pregnancy test. Don't get me wrong, I never did jump for joy at the site of a negative test and it has always made me extremely sad, however, the past few months have been unusually hard to deal with. It was been so hard, in fact, that this month I feel like instead of being excited at the prospect of what the next 2 weeks may bring, I find myself completely and utterly terrified at how I will deal with another let down. I feel like I started out on this journey wearing a thick suit of protective armour and as each month goes by, another layer gets stripped off. I am almost naked...and the jabs are beginning to really injure me. How many more jabs can I take? What month will I receive the final jab, the one that takes me down for good? It's anyone's guess, really. Even I can't even wager a guess on the round that ends this fight. What terrifies me, is that I feel it's close. I'm getting weak and losing strength quickly...and my old wounds aren't healing anymore. For now though, I am still in the game. I am staggering towards my opponent with little energy, peering through bruised and swollen eyes that are half shut, but I am still standing...and however bleak the chances may seem of coming out of this a winner, there is still a chance...so give me some water, wipe my wounds, put on my gloves and lemme at 'em!!
Monday, 16 April 2012
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Crushed again.
Well, I tested this morning and looks like yet another month of disappointment. Granted, this was to be my "month off", but lets face it, it's pretty hard to give up trying all together. I know my body well and even though I didn't use ovulation predictors or a thermometer, I know when things are happening and we did the best we could during that period of time. It seems like each and every time I get a negative pregnancy test, it sucks a little bit out of me. The only thing that keeps me going every month is hope. Hope that one month will be my lucky month. Then, when I discover it is just another unlucky month, I break down, cry, scream, do whatever it is I need to do to stay sane and then move on to the next month. Why? Hope. It's all about hope. A new month brings another possibility. Until I am completely void of hope, I will keep moving on to the next month. Thing is though, I think the "hope" tank may be headed towards empty. The little gas tank light hasn't turned on yet, but I don't think I have much more than about a quarter of a tank. At what point do you give up? At what point do you decide that enough is enough? That years of pain, hurt and disappointment are at their max and you need to come to terms with the fact that you will never birth children of your own and find out what other joys you will find in life; what reason for living if not to bring up a child?
Honestly, I have to say that this has been one of the more painful weeks I have endured. I find myself wondering if I should go to my doctors appointment next month or just cancel. Do I give up or do I move on to the next step? One of the things that scares me silly is the chance of moving on to IVF and it failing. I can barely keep it together on the days I find out I am not pregnant again. I can't imagine dealing with finding this out after injections, plane rides and upwards of $15,000. How would I even cope with that? To put the icing on the cake, yesterday I had to sit across from a mother who just gave birth to a stillborn baby the day before. A perfect, full term baby. Instead of picking out cute newborn items, she was picking out a cremation urn. I barely made it through. She broke down so many times. As she signed papers authorizing her first child to be cremated, her hands covered in bruises and bandages from being poked and prodded with needles and IV's just 24 hours before, I thought of my grocery list and the things I needed to pick up before Easter. I thought of my spring cleaning list. Basically, I thought of anything I could think of to take me away from where I was so I didn't break down right with her. The door barely closed behind them when I hurried to the bathroom, shut the door and let loose. I cried for a solid 15 minutes. I felt horrible for her, no question, however, I found that wasn't really the reason I was so upset. I was crying out of anger, frustration, confusion and hopelessness. I was pissed. WHY? That's the answer. Why. Why did this couple carry a baby for 41 weeks only to deliver a lifeless body? Every ultrasound, every check-up, every reassurance that this little life was doing fine, only to have the plug of hopes and dreams pulled at the very last second? Why would God do this??? Why would God allow me to become pregnant THREE times and then decide I suddenly shouldn't be...and apparently now decide after 3 times that he just isn't going to let me get pregnant anymore period??? Why me...and why her?? Why do all of the young girls walking around in Walmart with their 3 children and baby bump spending their monthly welfare cheques get to have children so easily? What the HELL did we do wrong to deserve this shit? Everything is backward, isn't it? Maybe she shouldn't have been such a hardworking, upstanding member of society who ate right, didn't smoke or drink and made sure she had prenatal care from just as soon as she found out she was expecting? What good did that do? The junkie across the street living off the system birthed 4 live babies without any issues, didn't she?
So I had my 15 minute crying session and returned to my desk, looking like I had just smoked the world's largest doobie...and I was ok. That was until this morning, when after I received my negative test and came in to work, one of the family members walked in and handed me a large stuffed animal they wanted to go with the baby for cremation. Then it all started again.
I have so many emotions running through my head at this time and I can't make sense of any of it. One second I feel like giving up all together and the next I feel like I want to try everything I can. My brain is like a roulette wheel right now. The question is, where will the ball land? Right now, I really can't tell. What I do know, is that I can't go on like this. It's not fair to me and it certainly isn't fair to my poor husband, who has been the most amazing, patient, tolerant person. I have turned into Cybil these past few months and he just sits back and lets me be crazy and sometimes even awful to him....because he is within the closest reach of my outbursts and frustration....and sometimes we are the worst to those that are closest to us. He didn't say a word this morning as I came storming into the kitchen and threw all of my supplements and vitamins into a garbage can. He said nothing as I called and cancelled today's fertility acupuncture appointment, lying to Dr. Wei that I was too busy to make it and was going out of town and didn't know for how long. He said nothing as got myself a glass of juice, slamming the glass down on the counter and hitting the refrigerator door closed with so much force that it almost broke. He knew what was up and he let me vent. He is a man of few words when it comes to trying to understand my crazy emotions and knowing what to say to make me feel better. We got in the car and headed for work and at about 5 minutes into the ride, he took my hand, kissed it and put it on his lap in his and we continued on to work, not speaking a word to each other the entire way. I realized that was really all that I really needed.
Well that's all for today folks. Unfortunately duty calls...and I have to deal with a little baby that needs her stuffed animal. Bless her soul. "Too beautiful for earth".
Honestly, I have to say that this has been one of the more painful weeks I have endured. I find myself wondering if I should go to my doctors appointment next month or just cancel. Do I give up or do I move on to the next step? One of the things that scares me silly is the chance of moving on to IVF and it failing. I can barely keep it together on the days I find out I am not pregnant again. I can't imagine dealing with finding this out after injections, plane rides and upwards of $15,000. How would I even cope with that? To put the icing on the cake, yesterday I had to sit across from a mother who just gave birth to a stillborn baby the day before. A perfect, full term baby. Instead of picking out cute newborn items, she was picking out a cremation urn. I barely made it through. She broke down so many times. As she signed papers authorizing her first child to be cremated, her hands covered in bruises and bandages from being poked and prodded with needles and IV's just 24 hours before, I thought of my grocery list and the things I needed to pick up before Easter. I thought of my spring cleaning list. Basically, I thought of anything I could think of to take me away from where I was so I didn't break down right with her. The door barely closed behind them when I hurried to the bathroom, shut the door and let loose. I cried for a solid 15 minutes. I felt horrible for her, no question, however, I found that wasn't really the reason I was so upset. I was crying out of anger, frustration, confusion and hopelessness. I was pissed. WHY? That's the answer. Why. Why did this couple carry a baby for 41 weeks only to deliver a lifeless body? Every ultrasound, every check-up, every reassurance that this little life was doing fine, only to have the plug of hopes and dreams pulled at the very last second? Why would God do this??? Why would God allow me to become pregnant THREE times and then decide I suddenly shouldn't be...and apparently now decide after 3 times that he just isn't going to let me get pregnant anymore period??? Why me...and why her?? Why do all of the young girls walking around in Walmart with their 3 children and baby bump spending their monthly welfare cheques get to have children so easily? What the HELL did we do wrong to deserve this shit? Everything is backward, isn't it? Maybe she shouldn't have been such a hardworking, upstanding member of society who ate right, didn't smoke or drink and made sure she had prenatal care from just as soon as she found out she was expecting? What good did that do? The junkie across the street living off the system birthed 4 live babies without any issues, didn't she?
So I had my 15 minute crying session and returned to my desk, looking like I had just smoked the world's largest doobie...and I was ok. That was until this morning, when after I received my negative test and came in to work, one of the family members walked in and handed me a large stuffed animal they wanted to go with the baby for cremation. Then it all started again.
I have so many emotions running through my head at this time and I can't make sense of any of it. One second I feel like giving up all together and the next I feel like I want to try everything I can. My brain is like a roulette wheel right now. The question is, where will the ball land? Right now, I really can't tell. What I do know, is that I can't go on like this. It's not fair to me and it certainly isn't fair to my poor husband, who has been the most amazing, patient, tolerant person. I have turned into Cybil these past few months and he just sits back and lets me be crazy and sometimes even awful to him....because he is within the closest reach of my outbursts and frustration....and sometimes we are the worst to those that are closest to us. He didn't say a word this morning as I came storming into the kitchen and threw all of my supplements and vitamins into a garbage can. He said nothing as I called and cancelled today's fertility acupuncture appointment, lying to Dr. Wei that I was too busy to make it and was going out of town and didn't know for how long. He said nothing as got myself a glass of juice, slamming the glass down on the counter and hitting the refrigerator door closed with so much force that it almost broke. He knew what was up and he let me vent. He is a man of few words when it comes to trying to understand my crazy emotions and knowing what to say to make me feel better. We got in the car and headed for work and at about 5 minutes into the ride, he took my hand, kissed it and put it on his lap in his and we continued on to work, not speaking a word to each other the entire way. I realized that was really all that I really needed.
Well that's all for today folks. Unfortunately duty calls...and I have to deal with a little baby that needs her stuffed animal. Bless her soul. "Too beautiful for earth".
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